The Trio and Ginny Read Fanfiction
by Lady Alinor
Summary: One fine day at the Burrow, Harry and Ginny relaxing on the couch, and Hermione is reading something on her laptop. 'Hermione, what are you reading,' Ron asks. 'Oh, just a bit of fanfiction...' she says lightly. Therein lies the tale. DH spoilers.
1. In which they laugh at pairings

_**This oneshot is written to be humorous, and is not intended to target or diss anyone. If anything, I'm poking fun at myself in this story—because, (time for confessions) I happen to like Snape/Hermione and Ron/Luna fics!**_

_All is peaceful at the Burrow. Hermione, Ginny, and Harry are all seated around the fire. Ginny and Harry are sitting very close, just staring into the fire, while Hermione is staring at the screen of her Wizarding laptop. Ron enters the room, eating a sandwich._

Ron: Hey, Hermione, what are you reading this time? Please tell me it's not your e-book version of _Hogwarts, A History,_ again?

Hermione: _No,_ Ronald. I'm just reading a bit of fanfiction.

_Harry throws her a confused glance._

Harry: What on earth is fanfiction?

_Hermione gives him a superior look._

Hermione: You don't know? It's the stories people have written about us, you idiot.

Harry: People have written _stories?_ About _us?_

Hermione: Oh, don't act so surprised. Honestly, Harry, sometimes you're completely oblivious to how famous you are.

_She snickers. _

Hermione: You should see some of the people they've got you paired with.

Harry: Wha… You mean, they don't put Ginny and I together?

_Ginny looks outraged and her upper lip curls into a snarl._

Ginny: Lemme at 'em! I'll show those stupid thirteen-year-old fans what a real Bat-Bogey Hex looks like!

_Ron snorts with laughter._

Harry: But… Who do they have me with, anyway?

Hermione: Oh, me, Luna, Cho, Parvati, Susan, Tonks, Bellatrix…

Harry: _Lestrange?!_

Hermione: That's not the worst of it. You should see the slash pairings…you and Ron, you and Malfoy, you and Sirius, you and Zabini, you and Lord Voldemort…

_Harry looks like he's about to throw up. Ron is now convulsing in laughter at the very thought of Harry and Voldemort…together._

_Hermione mercifully decides to stop there, thinking that if she tells Harry about the Harry/Dumbledore pairing, he might pass out. Or die of shock. Or start pounding his head against a wall. _

Ginny: Merlin's Beard, Hermione, why do you even read that…trash?

Hermione: Oh, no…no, I don't read slash! I just picked up a few ideas of what the stories were about in the summaries.

_Ginny looks relieved_

Hermione: So, do you want to hear who they've put you with?

_Ginny bites her lip nervously, but finally curiosity wins out and she nods._

Hermione: Well, for one thing, a bunch of people didn't like you after book six. They thought you were kind of a slut for having two boyfriends in two years and then breaking up with both of them.

_Ginny is outraged._

Ginny: Michael was a prat! and _Dean_ was the first one to suggest breaking up with me!

_Her busy-haired friend sighs._

Hermione: I know, I know…tell it to the stupid people who are still mad that Harry and I didn't get together.

Ginny: So, who am I with?

Hermione: Usually Dean, Zabini, Smith, or Malfoy.

_Ginny snorts_

Ginny: I'd rather go out with the giant squid than that ferret.

Hermione: Yeah, that's what I said too.

Ginny: _You?! _They put Malfoy with _you?!_

_Hermione sighs again._

Hermione: Unfortunately, yes… There are thousands of Dramione fics out there. It's revolting, but it's quite a few people's favorite pairing.

_Ginny looks completely disgusted, but Hermione laughs._

Hermione: I was revolted at first, but now I just find the stories funny.

Ron: Hey!

_Hermione glances affectionately at her boyfriend before continuing. _

Hemione: Oh, Ron, of course I could never ever ever like a limy git like Malfoy, even if he was the last bloke one earth. I was just saying that the stories are _amusing,_ that's all. I mean, those thirteen-year-olds have no idea what Malfoy is really like. They always portray him as a bittersweet, abused teen who only called me Mudblood because he was hopelessly in love with me. I think we can all rule that theory out, though, right?

_Everyone nods._

Hemione: But even though it's completely impossible for Malfoy and I to get together, they still write these crazy scenarios—Malfoy and I wake up one morning and we're married; Malfoy and I fall in love when we're Head Girl and Boy together; Malfoy's parents are ordered by Voldemort to secure a Muggle-born witch for Malfoy to marry, because of some stupid blood disease that runs in purebloods, I get drunk and sleep with Malfoy on the night of Ron's wedding to someone else and five years later Malfoy shows up and wants the kid, Malfoy joins Harry, Ron, and I on the Horcrux hunt…

_Ron does not find this humorous. _

Ron: Malfoy's a git. He shouldn't have even survived the Battle of Hogwarts. Bloody coward…

_He looks like he wants to murder Malfoy here and now. Fortunately, Ginny notices, and tries to change the subject._

Ginny: So, Hermione, who else do they put me with?

_Hermione frowns, lost in thought._

Hermione: Um…Lupin is the only other one I can think of off the top of my head.

_Ginny is flabbergasted that a thirteen-year-old would even dream of the possibility that she would fall in love with a teacher at least twenty years older than her. She is too shocked to do anything but sputter. Hermione pats her knee condolingly._

Hermione: Don't worry, you and Lupin isn't a very common pairing. It's more probable to find stories with me and Lupin together.

_Harry begins to laugh at the mere absurdity of the idea._

Harry: You and Moony? No way.

Hermione: It's not too bad, actually, 'cause most of the stories have me going back in time and falling in love with Remus while he was at Hogwarts.

Harry: You mean when my parents were there? That's impossible! Even Dumbledore couldn't send people back that far in time.

Hermione: I know… It's physically impossible to travel more than a day or two back in time, even with the most sophisticated Time Turner.

_Ginny is still looking damaged from the idea that she would ever date anyone who used to be her teacher._

Ginny: What kind of weirdo would pair students with teachers? Me and Lupin…honestly…

Hermione: Well, it's better than me and Snape.

All three: WHAT?!

_Hermione rolls her eyes._

Hermione: Snape. S-N-A…

Harry: Hermione, we know how to spell his name. You'd better have a good explanation for why you end up with Snape.

Hermione: In the _stories,_ Harry. Not in real life. And no, I don't have a good explanation! I thought I told you, it's the thirteen-year-olds…

Ginny: Actually, it's more likely the seventeen-year-olds who are in love with Alan Rickman.

Harry and Ron gape at her. Hermione is impressed.

Hermione: Ginny! How'd you know about him?

Ginny: Well, he plays Snape in the movies, doesn't he?

Ron and Harry: What movies?

Ginny: Honestly, Harry, you're so oblivious…

Harry: And you're starting to sound like Hermione. This is not a good thing. Ginny, are you feeling well? You just spouted off the name of a _Muggle _actor.

Ginny: A Muggle actor who just happens to play Severus Snape in the movies.

Hermione: How'd you watch the movies, Ginny?

Ginny: Dennis took me…no Harry, I'm not cheating on you; you were doing interviews with the Prophet and I was bored…I was friends with Colin and Dennis at Hogwarts, remember? Anyway, Dennis picked me up and we went to a Cinema for movie five…He took me to the other four too, when they came out a few years ago. Naturally he was very disappointed that Colin was left out of the fifth movie, but he's hoping Colin will get a nice death scene in movie seven, something like a tribute so we can all remember how brave he was at the Battle of Hogwarts.

_They all fall into silence for a few minutes, remembering the brave who fell…_

Ron: So…you were going to tell us how people ever got the idea you and that greasy git Snape would make a good couple?

Hermione: You just won't let it go, will you, Ronald? Fine. They think Snape's just misunderstood, and he's in love with me because I'm sensible and brilliant… Oh, and he always thinks I'm terribly beautiful and sexy in the stories…

_Harry and Ron both choke on their glasses of Pumpkin juice. Ginny is muffling her giggles and failing miserably. Hermione shoots them all a glare that would freeze hell over._

Ron: No…That's not what I meant, 'Mione! You _are_ beautiful and sexy and smart and…

_Ginny loses it, and is now submerged in fits of laughter. Harry has finally caught his breath, but is gaping at both Ron and Hermione._

Hermione: Ronald, stop, before you say something you'll regret.

Ginny: So, Hermione, did you and Snape…well, _do it_?

_Hermione smirks, thinking how fun it is to see Ron and Harry all worked up like this… She nods coolly._

Hermione: Oh yes, many times. You know, Ginny, in the stories, he's a very passionate man…

_Ron and Harry both look like they'll pass out any minute. Ron's face has turned ten shades redder than his hair._

_Ginny cocks one eyebrow._

Ginny: Kids?

Hermione: Yes, and they've all got bushy black hair, and they're in Slytherin, and they're geniuses at Potions…

_Ron and Harry are choking._

Harry: Bad mental picture! Bad, bad, bad! Make it go away!

_Hermione and Ginny exchange looks. Then both burst into uncontrollable laughter. Ron and Harry look incredulous._

Harry: It was all a joke?

_Hermione sobers._

Hermione: Oh, no… Those stories do exist… I was just playing it all up a bit… It was funny, though, seeing you two freaking out.

Ron: Don't do it again!

Harry: You know, Hermione… for someone who's just read the summaries of fanfiction about you and Snape, you sure know a lot of details…

Hermione: Don't be draft, Harry, of course I read them! I thought they were amusing…at least good for a laugh…

_Ron doesn't like this at all—in fact, he's growing redder by the second because of the disturbing fact that his girlfriend enjoys reading Hermione/Snape fanfiction… He pulls out his wand and points it at Hermione's laptop._

Ron: Avada Ke…

_Hermione squeaks and knocks his wand from his hand._

Hermione: RON! Don't you dare blow my computer up!

_Ron slumps back into the couch and crosses his arms, looking very sulky._

Ron: Bloody hell, Hermione, no bloke wants to hear his girlfriend talking lightly about stories of her and SNAPE together, in love, and having KIDS!

_Hermione smiles sweetly up at him and moves closer._

Hermione: Awww… Ron… You're so sweet.

_She moves in for a kiss. Harry and Ginny glance at each other in mutual agreement that it's time to go._

Harry: Um… We've got to get home…

Ginny: Yes, so, we'll just drop by later, OK?

_Hermione breaks apart and looks up innocently._

Hermione: Oh, but didn't you two want to hear about the fanfiction authors' ideas of who _Ronnikins_ should be with?

_Ron stares at her. Harry and Ginny loose all thoughts of leaving._

Ginny: Tell us!

Hermione: Let me see… Most people think Ron and I are all wrong for each other—hence the Dracomione fics. They always put Ron with Parvati, Padma, Lavender, Cho, Mandy, Hannah, or Luna…

Ginny: _Luna? _Ron could never stand her!

_Hermione snickers._

Hermione: Evidently many people thought that was a match made in heaven…

_Ron is gaping at Hermione with a horrified look in his eyes, definitely the results of the preposterous idea that he and Luna could ever get together…_

_Hermione is immensely enjoying the reverse situation; now Ron's in the spotlight. She can't resist one last jab._

Hermione: Oh, but one of the best ones I read was Ron and Pansy Parkinson…

_This is obviously too much for Ron, for Hermione hears a loud thunk, and she looks up to see Ron out cold on the floor. Hermione sighs._

Hermione: I guess it's a good thing I didn't tell him about that Ron/Minerva McGonagall fic I read last week…

**Author's Note: **This oneshot came to me last Saturday afternoon. I was at my grandparents' house, but all I could think of was purchasing DH that night. I sat in the corner and let the elderly people talk about their knee replacements and the days when they had to walk ten miles to school in the ice and snow… and I pulled out my journal and started writing down a detailed list of predictions for Deathly Hallows. As I was writing, I realized that most of my predictions were derived from fanfiction theories I'd read, and then I started wondering what it'd be like if the Trio ever read fanfiction. Hence, this oneshot. If you'd like another chapter, I might do one centered on their reactions to timetravel or alternate reality fics… or even better, the Harry-Potter-has-a-twin stories. Or the Hermione-is-Draco's-long-lost-sister fics.


	2. In which they discuss leather miniskirts

_**This chapter makes fun of the obvious miss-characterizations and discrepancies of fanfiction. No actual stories are quoted.**_

_Once again, it is a quiet evening at the Burrow. Molly and Arthur are gone to visit Charlie in Romania. Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny have the house to themselves._

_At the moment, though, the living room is only occupied by Harry and the two youngest Weasleys. Harry and Ron are engaged in a game of chess, and Ginny is sitting cross-legged on the rug, staring unceasingly at the screen of a laptop._

_Hermione pops her head through the door leading to the kitchen. Her face is dusted with flour, and her hair is pulled back into a messy bun._

Hermione: The cookies are almost done. Are you sure Molly won't mind my using her kitchen?

_Ron looks up from the game he's obviously winning, judging from the grimace on Harry's face._

Ron: For the last time, she doesn'tcare!

_Hermione looks unconvinced. She wrings her hands._

Hermione: I mean, I didn't ask her for permission…I feel bad…

Ron: Shut up, 'Mione! You practically live here, after all.

Hermione: Don't let my parents hear that. They're rather possessive of me now that Voldemort is gone.

Ron: I'm just glad we were able to connect your house to the Floo Network. Now Harry here…

_Harry is scowling at the chessboard._

Harry: Shut up. I'm trying to win here.

Ron: Hopeless cause, mate. Anyway, Hermione, you're not the one who's wearing out their welcome…

Harry: Hey! Your mum wouldn't take 'no' for an answer. I got the feeling she would've bodily forced me to move in here if I'd refused. I didn't really want to live at Grimmauld Place all by myself, and it's not like I could move back in with the Dursleys.

Ron: Where'd they go again?

_Harry shrugs._

Harry: Last I heard, they'd moved to the US.

Hermione: Good riddance. I'm glad you're staying here, Harry. Don't pay any attention to Ron. I'm going to go check on the cookies.

Ron: Check.

Harry: Arg!!!!

_A few minutes later, Hermione reenters, carrying a steaming plate of cookies. She holds out the plate to Harry and Ron, then slaps Ron's hand when he tries to take a whole handful._

Harry: Thanks, Hermione.

_Hermione moves on to Ginny, who absentmindedly reaches for a cookie and takes a bite, not breaking her gaze at the laptop screen._

Ginny: This is good…You're a much better cook than most people think, Hermione.

Hermione: Huh?

_Ginny suddenly realises what she's said and blushes._

Ginny: Sorry, that did sound bad, didn't it? I'm just reading some fanfiction and everyone seems to automatically assume that since you're so smart, you're an awful cook.

_Hermione crosses her arms and plops down into the armchair. _

Hermione: Why?

Ginny: I don't know. It's just one of the common false beliefs of fanfiction writers… You know, kind of like the general opinion that Ron's never lost a game of chess.

Ron: Really?

Harry: Checkmate.

Ron: WHAT?!

_Harry begins to laugh._

Harry: Just kidding…

Ron: That's not funny!

_Hermione and Ginny sigh and roll their eyes._

Ginny: My point exactly.

Hermione: You know, when I was reading the stories, I noticed quite a few of those false assumptions too.

Ginny: Aren't they hilarious?

Hermione: Especially the Yule Balls… Have you read of those stories yet?

Ginny: No…what are they like?

Hermione: Well, you know that the Yule Ball only takes place every fifty years or so… You know, whenever the Triwizard Tournament comes to Hogwarts.

_Ginny nods._

Hermione: But in the fanfiction stories, especially the romance stories, there's a Yule Ball every Christmas!

Ginny: Are you serious? Hey, that'd be fun.

Hermione: Yeah, fun, but definitely not realistic. I mean, what would the parents say if their kids stayed at Hogwarts every year for Christmas just so they could attend the ball?

Ginny: I guess you're right.

Hermione: But that's not all. The authors just feel like they can add another ball whenever they need a big scene involving the couple the story's about. I've read about an October Ball, a Halloween ball, a Winter Ball, a Spring Ball, an Easter Ball… and the list goes on and on…

_Ginny laughs._

Ginny: That's ridiculous.

Hermione: I know. So what are you reading about?

_Ginny blushes._

Ginny: Oh, nothing…

_Ron's head perks up. _

Ron: Oy, Ginny, what are you reading…

Ginny: Nothing!

_Harry looks up as well._

Harry: Oh, come on, Ginny, tell us!

Ginny: Fine. You may not like it though…

Harry: It's OK… Hang on, you're not reading Slash, are you?

Ginny: NO! No, no, no!

Hermione: Then what is it?

Ginny: It's one of the Smartass!Hermione Attitude!Ginny stories. Oh, and Punk!Draco.

Harry and Ron: Huh?

_Hermione rolls her eyes. _

Hermione: I know what you're talking about.

_Ginny looks relieved._

Ron: So, let's have it.

Ginny: Fine. It's one of the stories where Hermione wears leather miniskirts all the time and I've got a major attitude and Malfoy acts like a punk rock star all the time.

_Harry looks horrified. Ron, on the other hand, looks like he'd enjoy seeing Hermione in a leather miniskirt. Hermione catches the look._

Hermione: Oh, no you don't, Ronald…I am certainly not ever going to wear a leather miniskirt so you can just get that disturbing image out of your perverted mind.

_Ron looks disappointed. Ginny sighs._

Ginny: Anyway… it's humorous, but definitely not my favourite type of story. I mean, the thirteen-year-olds completely have our characters wrong! Hermione certainly isn't like that…and neither am I, and neither is Malfoy.

Harry: So, what is your favourite type of story?

_Ginny exchanges a mischievous look with Hermione. _

Ginny: Oh, probably the Super!Harry fics…

Harry: What?!

Ginny: Oh, you know, the fics where you receive all the powers of Merlin, or Dumbledore, or you're really good with wandless magic… The super-Harry fics.

Ron: Super-Harry? Don't they ever write any super-Ron fics?

Ginny: Sorry, but no… I did read a story where you were bitten by Lupin and became a werewolf…

_Ron looks horrified now. Harry is curious._

Harry: So, um… what do I do with these super powers?

Ginny: Oh, I dunno…make life miserable for the Dursleys, defeat Voldemort, become Minister of Magic, defeat Dumbledore…

Harry: Defeat _Dumbledore_? Whatever for?

Ginny: Most people think he was manipulative and used you for his own purposes. I mean, he did leave you at the Dursleys for all those years.

Harry: I can see why they'd think that…but they really don't know what he was really like.

Ginny: I agree.

_There are a few more minutes of silence as Ron and Harry go back to their game, Hermione munches on another cookie, and Ginny returns to her computer. Suddenly Ginny bursts into laughter._

The others: What?

Ginny: Oh…it's this story, it's just funny….

Hermione: Read the funny part.

Ginny: Uh…maybe that wouldn't be such a good idea.

Ron: Just read it, Ginny.

Harry: It can't be too bad, can it?

Ginny: Well, you have been warned.

_Ginny scrolls up a bit and finds the place. _

Ginny: "The doors to the Great Hall burst open. Hermione and Ginny strode in, late for breakfast. Silence fell over the hall as every male head in the room turned towards the door. All the girls turned green with jealousy. Hermione and Ginny were outlined by the rising sun. Hermione was wearing a black leather miniskirt that left little more to be imagined. Her leather boots rose to her knees and hugged her perfectly formed legs. Her skin-tight shirt rode up around her hips and left a strip of skin all the way around her midriff. The front of the shirt dipped low and gave the boys a clear view of cleavage. Ginny, on the other hand, was wearing a pair of skin-tight jeans and tank top that revealed every one of her curves. Her long red locks slid over her shoulders and the red lipstick accented her mouth. Even Professor Snape was craning his neck to get a good view of the sexy girls."

_As she finishes, Ron and Harry are gaping at her. Hermione, however, simply grins and slaps Ron's arm._

Hermione: Stop the mental pictures, Ron… It's not going to happen… I've read that story before. Isn't that the one where I go through Ron, Terry Boot, Ernie MacMillian _and _Snape before finally realized that Draco and I are a match made in heaven?

Ginny: Ooooooh, Hermione, you told me the ending!

_Hermione suddenly gets a look in her eye…_

Hermione: Ginny, isn't it funny how in the stories everyone always assumes that I'm quite voluptuous when in reality you wear a larger bra than I do?

_Ginny turns very, very red._

Ginny: Hermione!

_Ron looks like he's going to be sick. Harry, on the other hand, is looking appreciatively at Ginny. Hermione notices._

Hermione: Oh, you didn't know that, did you, Harry?

Harry: I already knew that!

_Ron glares at Harry._

Ron: How'd you know that?! Oy, what have you been doing with my sister?

_Hermione puts a restraining hand on Ron's arm._

Hermione: Probably no more than you and I have done, Ronald. So unless you'd like me to relate that information to Harry and Ginny, I'd advise you to shut your mouth. Permanently.

_Ron turns red, but he shuts his mouth. Ginny clears her throat._

Ginny: Um, pass the cookies, please.

_Hermione hands her the plate and Ginny takes a couple._

Ron: Checkmate.

Harry: What?! No!

_Ron looks smug. _

Ron: Who says I've ever lost a game of Chess?

Ginny: I remember one time…

_Ron hastily changes the subject._

Ron: So… what else have you been reading, Ginny?

_Ginny exchanges another glance with Hermione._

Ginny: Oh, just that story Hermione told me about…that one with you and Pansy Parkinson. It all started when she kind of attacked you in a broom closet…

_Ron spits out his cookie._


	3. In which Harry finally succumbs

**Author's Note: **OK, I lied. Here's another chapter. I know it's different from the others, being in regular story form rather than script, but I wrote it to update on SIYE which doesn't allow script stories, and I was just too lazy to rewrite it for This story will probably end up a fourshot, the last chapter featuring Ron reading fanfiction. Then I might write a sequel called "The Trio and Ginny _Write_ Fanfiction" but I'm not sure yet.

**In Which Harry Finally Succumbs, Reads Fanfiction, and Has Mixed Feelings**

Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny were gathered around one of the outside tables at Florean Fortescue's Ice Cream Parlour. Hermione and Ron were sharing a large dish of ice cream while Ginny sipped a milkshake. Surprisingly enough, Harry was on Hermione's laptop making use of the Wizarding Wireless provided in Diagon Alley, a forgotten chocolate banana split melting at his left elbow.

"This is really good," Ginny commented lazily, leaning back in her chair and taking another sip of the frothy white liquid. "Why didn't we think of this before?"

"Probably because Diagon Alley has been practically deserted for so many months," Hermione said, her spoon stopping halfway to her mouth. "But you're right, Gin, we really should come here more often."

"Th' foo's goot," Ron said, his mouth full of ice cream.

"Ron!" Hermione chided. "Manners, please."

"What? Harry doesn't care," the redhead said, stuffing another bite of ice cream into his mouth.

"That's _my_ ice cream!" Hermione protested, slapping his hands away. "Remember? We divided the dish down the _center, _so no more for you."

Ron tried to argue, but Hermione pulled the bowl out of his reach and continued, obviously not finished with her lecture. "And yes, Harry does care about manners; he's much more a gentleman than you are when you're eating."

Ginny snorted. "That's debatable."

Hermione ignored her. "Harry wouldn't stuff his mouth with food and _then_ try to talk. Would you, Harry?"

Her question was ignored. Harry was still staring unblinkingly at the screen of the laptop. Hermione tried again. "_Would you, Harry?" _

"Oh, yeah, sure," Harry said vaguely.

Ginny smacked his arm and Harry jerked out of his reverie. "What?" he said, looking annoyed.

"Hermione just asked you if you'd stuff your mouth full of food and then try to talk, and you agreed," Ginny explained patiently.

At least Harry had the decency to blush. "Sorry," he apologized. "I just wasn't paying attention, that's all."

"That," stated Hermione, tossing her hair, "is an understatement."

Harry grinned weakly, then immediately returned to the computer screen.

"Hey, Harry, your ice cream is melting," Ginny said, waving her hands in front of his face, but to no avail.

"You can have it," Harry said distantly.

Ginny huffed in frustration. "I don't want your banana split!"

"But I do," Ron said cheerfully, reaching directly across the table to snatch Harry's dish, Both girls protested loudly.

"Ronald!"

"I can't believe I'm related to you," Ginny moaned, shrinking down in the chair. "I'd give an arm and a leg for an Invisibility Cloak right now."

Ron simply shrugged, grinned, and dug into Harry's forgotten ice cream.

Harry was still staring at the screen, seemingly mesmerized. Finally, Hermione decided she'd had enough. "Hibernatia," she muttered, pointing her wand at the laptop.

"Hey!" Harry cried angrily as the laptop beeped loudly and the screen turned blue and then black.

"What were you doing anyway, Harry?" Ginny asked interestedly.

"Nothing," he mumbled, his face turning a brilliant shade of red.

A Malfoy-like smirk crossed Hermione's face. "You were reading fanfiction, weren't you?"

An expression of understanding flooded Ginny's face, and she leaned back in her chair, a bemused smile pulling at the corners of her mouth. Ron, on the other hand, looked appalled. "Harry, how could you?"

"It's interesting," Harry said defensively, shrinking down in his seat.

"But they get all the details mixed up!"

"And that's exactly why it's so interesting," Harry replied.

Hermione and Ginny exchanged knowing smiles. "So, what're you reading, Harry?"

Harry shrank even lower in his seat. "Nothing."

"Harry…" Hermione began threateningly.

"FINE!" Harry said exasperatedly. "It's an AU story…"

"What's AU?" Ron interrupted loudly.

"Alternate Universe," Ginny supplied. "Continue, Harry."

"Well, it's kind of complicated," Harry began hesitantly. "It's an AU story where instead of killing my parents and trying to take my life, Voldemort sent Pettigrew to kidnap me and raise me as his heir."

Ginny looked considerably less surprised than Ron, whose mouth was hanging open in numb disbelief. Hermione merely nodded. "Keep your friends close and your enemies even closer," she said dryly.

Harry nodded and continued haltingly. "It seems that he…in the story, mind you…he decided to train me—the other me, that is—oh bother…"

"You were raised and trained by Voldemort, then sent on missions to kill Order members," Hermione filled in calmly.

"You've read it?" Harry said incredulously.

"Oh yes," Hermione said dismissively. "It's quite a popular story with a nice plot, but the writing and characterization aren't done very well."

"I think I've read it too," Ginny remarked, wrinkling her forehead in thought. "Maybe a while ago…but I've read so many stories that I can't tell one from another now."

"Well, get on with the story," Ron demanded, and Harry looked desperately at Hermione, who sighed.

"Harry worked for Voldemort until he was captured by Sirius Black and a group of Aurors and taken to Grimmauld Place. To make a long story short, Harry was sent to Hogwarts with magical limitations to keep him from running away. The Ministry, of course, had wanted to chuck him in Azkaban or throw him to a Dementor because of the murders they blamed for him, most prominently the deaths of the Longbottoms."

"Yeah, I'm way past that part now," Harry said. "I've already escaped Hogwarts, returned to the Death Eaters, learned the truth from Pettigrew, and destroyed the Horcruxes in revenge against Voldemort for lying to me. Now the Ministry has caught up with me and I'm going to trial for the murders." His eyes widened dramatically. "And I've got to find out what happens! I can't believe you hibernated the computer, Hermione!"

Hermione laughed. "You'll survive. And no, I'm not going to tell you the ending."

"But what if they send me to Azkaban?" Harry whined. "I've got to know whether I get convicted or acquitted."

"It's fanfiction," Hermione consoled him. "Of course you'll be acquitted. And if you aren't, you'll miraculously escape from Azkaban one way or another. But you don't really need to worry about the trial, Harry. Think…what is it about the Harry in the story that makes him different than the other Death Eaters, even before he was captured and found out the truth?"

Harry frowned. "His saving-people thing?"

Hermione smiled. "Exactly. Don't worry about the trial—Dumbledore's smart, and you've got a lot of evidence supporting your innocence because of your saving people complex."

"It's not a complex," Harry grumbled, but he looked a little relieved.

"Oh, come on, Harry. We all know about your complex," Ginny joked. "Don't try to deny it."

"Oh, right," Harry said, rolling his eyes. "Yeah, I've got to save three people a day or I get all twitchy."

"Finally you admit it," Hermione said exasperatedly. "I've been trying to tell you for years! At least the author got that part of your character right. How many people did you save in the story so far?"

Harry shrugged, embarrassed. "I lost count."

Suddenly Ginny clapped her hands. "Wait…I think I remember! Wasn't that the story where I fall off a rooftop during a Death Eater attack but Harry sweeps in on his broom and saves me?" she asked excitedly.

Hermione nodded; Harry just turned even redder.

"And I don't know who rescued me but I have dreams about the black-haired man with piercing green eyes who saved my life?" Ginny continued.

"The eyes," Hermione cut in exasperatedly. "Why is it always the eyes?"

"Hey," Harry protested. "My eyes are the only thing good looking about me! Don't insult the authors for picking my only good characteristic. Other than my eyes, I'm just a short, scrawny guy with glasses…"

"I wouldn't say that your eyes are your _only_ good feature," Ginny cut in. "You've got a nice bum too."

The look on Harry's face was priceless—not because he hadn't heard her say things like this before, but because she now had the audacity to verbalize it in front of Ron and Hermione.

But Ginny had never been one for subtlety. "In fact," she continued as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened, "I wouldn't even use the word 'scrawny,' Harry. Maybe when you were twelve or thirteen, but definitely not now…" She squinted, looking him over as he gaped at her. "You've filled out quite nicely, actually—any girl would go for those muscles."

Ron choked; Hermione looked on the verge of a fit of laughter.

"Can't we talk about something else?" Harry said weakly, and Ron vehemently nodded, looking as if he was about to be sick.

Ginny shrugged. "Whatever you say."

Harry looked desperately at Hermione, who finally caught his drift. "So, Ginny," she said hastily. "Have you read that story where Harry and Voldemort change bodies?"

This does not help either Harry or Ron; the latter looked as if he might lose his ice cream any moment. Finally Ron choked his mouthful down. "What on earth…?" he sputtered incredulously.

"Don't be such a baby, Ron," Ginny said. "It's just a story! And a darn funny one too, if I'm not mistaken."

"So I ended up in Voldemort's body?" Harry said dryly. "I've tried the whole possession thing before, after all… I mean, it's not pleasant, but I suppose worse things could happen…"

"There isn't anything worse than that," Ron exclaimed incredulously, and Ginny punched his arm good-naturedly.

"Honestly, Ron, I'm beginning to think you're as bad as Percy at recognizing jokes," she chided. "Of course Harry wasn't happy about ending up in Voldemort's body—but neither was Voldemort about ending up at the Dursleys for the summer…"

Harry snorted. "What happened?"

"Well, you were at Voldemort's Manor, learning how to conduct Death Eater meetings, fending off the advances of Bellatrix Lestrange, and trying to figure out how to get to 'Harry' so you could figure out how to reverse the spell," Hermione said. "Voldemort was still pretending to be Harry while he tried to get his powers back…."

Ginny smirked. "Do you think Voldemort really shagged Bellatrix in real life?" she asked. "He is a male, after all…"

"Ginny!" Harry groaned. "I did _not_ need that picture stuck in my head for the rest of the day!"

"Sorry! I was just curious…that's all…"

"New topic!" Ron demanded.

"The story was quite humourous, though completely implausible," Hermione said to Harry. "But I've read worse."

"Like those time-turner stories," Ginny put in. "Did you read that story where we all—well, us four and Draco and Lavender, though I can't for the life of me remember how Draco ended up with us—went back in time to kill Tom Riddle before he became Voldemort and then Hermione ended up fal…."

"That's enough information, Ginny," Hermione said pointedly, sending messages in her eyes. Ginny stopped, probably remembering the last time they'd discussed pairings with Ron around. His reaction had been bad enough to the Hermione/Snape stories—she didn't want to know what he'd do with the information that some thirteen-year-old had had the audacity to write a story where Hermione Granger fell in love with Tom Riddle a.k.a. Voldemort…

"Yeah, those time travel stories are all messed up," Harry said hastily, and Hermione wondered if he's read the 'offensive' story too and was simply helping them cover the near-slip. "I've read a couple of the stories where I end up at Hogwarts during my parents' seventh year and get to meet the Marauders when they were our age, but somehow I always end up having feelings for my mum and then getting all angsty because she's got to marry James so I can be born… A load of crap, if you ask me."

Hermione sighed. "Most of the stories out there are, but not all of them. I mean, some of them are pretty good. I think a really good author could take almost any pairing and make it work in a well-written story. Except slash," she added hastily when Ron gave her a look.

He just groaned. "Do we have to talk about all the other people our fans think we should be with right now?" Ron asked piteously.

Hermione grinned at him and leaned over to give him a quick kiss on the cheek. "Sure, Ron."

"So," Ginny said, still wanting to talk about fanfiction but not wanting to violate Hermione's promise to her brother, "have you guys read that story where Harry wakes up one morning to find that Neville was the boy-who-lived and everything was different?"

"Yeah," Harry inserted, anxious to display his new-found knowledge of fanfiction stories. "There's that one story where I've got a sister, right?" Ginny nodded, and he continued. "And we end up at Hogwarts and eventually go looking for Horcruxes after Pettigrew kills my Mum."

"That's a pretty good story," Hermione said, frowning a little, "but do you really think that your mum would have come back as a ghost?"

"So all three of you have read the story?" Ron demanded, looking a little left out.

"Yes. And that's why you should read fanfiction, Ron," Ginny said, patting her brother on the arm.

"Never!" Ron exclaimed vehemently. "What if I accidently came across one of those stories…where me and Pansy…" he broke off, shuddering.

"Actually, you might enjoy that story," Harry said quite seriously, and Ron looked up in horror.

"Not you too," he exclaimed, dismay written all over his face. "You didn't! I mean, they…Ginny and Hermione….but not you, too… I've…I've got to…you know, go…."

He shoved back his chair and made a hasty exit, headed in the general direction of the Quidditch shop.

Hermione watched Ron's retreating back. "Do you think you overdid it, Harry?" she asked worriedly.

"Ron'll be fine," Ginny said. "He'll come around when Harry tells him that he was joking…" She trailed off and turned to Harry, eyes narrowed. "You didn't actually read that story, did you, Harry?"

"Wouldn't you like to know?" Harry said seriously.

Ginny looked genuinely doubtful, but Hermione snorted. "Give it up, Harry. You didn't really read the Ron/Pansy story."

Harry merely raised an eyebrow.

"It paired you with Millicent Bulstrode."

Harry choked. "Fine, fine! I didn't really read it!"

Hermione leaned back, looking as contented as a cat.

"Do you think he'll ever come around and read fanfiction?" Ginny asked, frowning in the general direction Ron had last been seen.

"Who knows?" Harry said. "Ron's usually stubborn like that. He won't listen to suggestions, and he definitely won't read the stories unless he gets it into his head that he _wants _to, you know?"

Hermione muttered something that sounded a little like "stubborn redheads."

"I resent that," Ginny began, but Harry silenced her by planting a gentle kiss on her cheek.

"I happen to like stubborn redheads," he said slyly.

"So do I," Hermione said loudly before the two got too carried away. "And if you'll both excuse me, I'll go looking for mine…"

Neither was listening by now.

"At least the fanfiction stories get one thing right," Hermione muttered, giving them a disgusted glance. "You two are much worse than Ron and Lavender ever were."

**A/N: **Some of the stories the Golden Quartet read were made up by me, and some were stories actually posted here on No offence or ridicule was meant to any of the mentioned stories; I have nothing but highest regard for the authors. In fact the "real" stories mentioned are all on my favorites list, I believe. I just wanted to explore the reactions of our favorite characters could they read the stories written about them.


	4. In which Ron nearly has an aneurysm

_It's a beautiful day in London. Harry, Ginny, and Hermione have just returned from a trip to Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes, an excursion that Ron has opted out of because of a stomach virus. The three enter the Burrow and upon entry the discover Ron lying on the couch with Hermione's laptop propped up on his stomach. He looks like he's been this way for hours._

Hermione: Ronald Bilius Weasley! What are you doing?

_Ron looks up, startled. _

Ron: N-nothing, nothing at all. What are you lot doing back so early?

Hermione: So _early_? It's nearly dinner time. We've been gone all afternoon. And what in the name of Merlin were you doing with my portable computer?

_Ron turns a dangerous shade of red. _

Ron: I-I t-told you, n-nothing! I was bored. Just seeing if I could figure out how to work this blasted thing, that's all. Damndest piece of rubbish I've ever laid eyes on.

_Usually such an insult would have Hermione in a fury, but this time she smiles dangerously, a special gleam in her eye._

Hermione: _*stage whisper* _He's been reading fanfiction.

_Ron gives an undignified and indignant snort._

Ron: I have not!

Hermione: Then you won't mind if I take a quick peek at my computer, will you . . . ?

_Ron snatches the computer away just in time and gives Hermione a glare that says it all._

_Harry and Ginny, at this point, are holding back laughter. _

Ginny: Pay up, Harry.

_Harry reluctantly fishes in his pockets and hands her a galleon. Hermione watches with raised eyebrows. Harry shrugs sheepishly._

Harry: She bet me that Ron would be reading fanfiction in less than a week. I thought it'd take longer for him to succumb.

Ron: OY! I am _not _read—

_The others give him looks. He immediately shuts up._

Hermione: Another fanfic addict is born.

_Ginny sighs._

Ginny: Ah, yes. I remember the days when I had some semblance a life . . .

Harry. . . when I got more than four hours of sleep a night because I wasn't up late trying to finish that one nagging story that's over four hundred thousand words long . . .

Hermione: Back in the days when I had _time_ for sex . . .

_Harry and Ginny look appalled, Harry much more so than Ginny. _

Ginny: Tsk, tsk, Hermione. We talked about this. Just because you tell _me_ your secrets doesn't mean you should blurt them out in front of my boyfriend who just happens to be _your_ boyfriend's best mate.

_Hermione shrugs. _

Hermione: We're all mature adults. Now that we're all sexually active, we should be able to discuss it with each other. I mean, if everyone's agreeable.

_By the way Harry is choking and bright strawberry red, he looks as if he is definitely _not_ ready to discuss his sex life in a group setting._

Harry: Ginny! You _told_ her?

Ginny: Well, of course. I tell Hermione everything. We're girls. Didn't you and Ron tell each other when you first had sex?

Harry: NO! Because you're his _sister,_ Ginny! And Hermione's my best mate! I don't _want_ to know!

Hermione: *_primly_* Well, you may just have to get used to the idea, Harry. And so will Ronald. Won't you, Ron?

_She turns around, but during the conversation, Ron has opened the laptop again and is staring as a man hypnotized at the glowing screen. The only movement on his end is a click every so often as he scrolls down the page. _

_The others turn too. Ginny giggles again, and Harry sighs. Hermione sighs as well._

Hermione: There will be no dealing with him after this. He's going to be one of those addicts who will live in front of the computer for a month until the initial obsession has worn off a little. I just hope I can keep him from messaging the poor authors relentlessly when their stories aren't completed. Ronald!

_No response from the redhead on the sofa._

_Hermione gets a glint in her eye. _

Hermione: Watch this.

_She stalks over to the sofa. _

Hermione: Ron, tomorrow I'm going to the moon with Dolores Umbridge.

_No response. _

Hermione: If you shut the computer this instant, I'll let you throw your dirty clothes wherever you want for a week.

_Still no response._

Hermione: Look, Ron! A huge chocolate cake!

_He doesn't even blink._

Hermione: I'm going to strip all my clothes off and dance, Ron.

_Ginny makes a nauseated sound; Harry doubles over in laughter. Ron is unresponsive. _

_Hermione creeps closer._

Hermione: Ron, I'm really horny.

_She strokes his thigh. Harry shakes his head and holds his stomach. Ginny is turning green. _

Hermione: Ron, if you put away the computer, I'll have sex with you. Any position you want.

_Ginny claps her hands over her ears and hums "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" in a frantic, off key voice. _

_Hermione turns back to the two. _

Hermione: See? Nothing.

_She turns back to Ron and whacks his head. _

Ron: Oy! What the hell was that for?

_Hermione smiles smugly. _

Hermione: Proving a point, that's all.

_Immediately, Ron returns to the computer. Hermione shrugs. _

Hermione: I guess I might as well head back into town to finish up my shopping. Ron will be occupied for quite a while, by my guess. Want to come with me, Gin—wait, where's Ginny?

_Harry points; Ginny is curled up in a little ball in the corner, rocking back and forth, still humming frantically, her eyes shut tightly. _

Harry: I think she may be catatonic after that uncalled for demonstration.

Ron: *suddenly* NOOOOOO!

_He lifts the laptop high over his head and throws it at the opposite wall. This seems to be what is needed to break Ginny's self-imposed catatonic state. Harry and Ginny stare at Ron, mouths gaping open. Hermione, on the other hand, walks calmly to the spot where the laptop lies, picks it up, and hands it back to Ron._

Hermione: I put a number of indestructible charms on my computer after Ron tried to _Avada Kedavra _it after our first little fanfiction discussion. Now, Ronald. What happened?

Ron: *tremulously* Harry's dead.

Hermione: *rolling her eyes* Harry is most certainly _not_ dead, Ronald. He's right here.

_Ron ignores her._

Ron: Voldemort . . . that bastard locked Harry up in Azkaban and tortured him a hundred different ways for about five years before Harry finally committed suicide—but only after he'd been brainwashed into thinking it was the only way to save the Wizarding World.

Harry: Well, if you think about it—

Hermione: *_kindly* _Shut up, Harry.

_She turns back to Ron, but he tosses the laptop aside. _

Ron: I hate this rubbish! I don't know why you lot read this stuff!

Ginny: Because it's entertaining, Ron! It's amusing, that's all.

Ron: But it's total bunk! Harry always has a twin, or some long-lost sibling or relative. Hermione is ALWAYS a Pureblood. Hermione and me have ALWAYS just gotten out of a bad relationship and I'm always at fault and considered the largest git at Hogwarts, while Draco Malfoy is the bloody knight in shining armour. And Snape's so bloody cheerful! Like he had all the students in Flickwick's class practice Cheering Charms on him or something.

_Ron pauses to take a long breath, his face an alarming Gryffindor scarlet._

Ron: And you, Harry, you're always so bloody angsty! Mate, they think you're suicidal!

_Harry prepares to bring up his defeat of Voldemort._

Harry: Well, technically . . .

_Ginny smacks his arm._

Ginny: That was just one time, _dear._ And no, it doesn't mean you're suicidal.

_Ron isn't finished. In fact, he looks as if he's just gotten started._

Ron: Those little buggers who write this shite get everyone's class schedules mixed up, Gryffindors are ALWAYS playing Slytherin, the Room of Requirement is used for EVERYTHING, including every time Draco Malfoy wants to shag half the girls in school, there's always dozens of balls each year, all the students wear Muggle clothes ALL the time—

Hermione: Well, technically Draco Malfoy probably _did _shag some girls in there, and we do wear Muggle clothing _most_ of the time—

Ron: Hermione and Ginny always fall in love with Blaise Zabini and Draco Malfoy, the Hogwarts Express is always attacked by Death Eaters, the summer after Sirius's death Harry spent wallowing in depression and becoming all dark and twisted inside, and of course the only one who can pull him out of the pit of despair is Ginny or Hermione or perhaps some ditzy new character—most likely French or American and most definitely an exchange student—and ALWAYS a Mary-Sue.

_Hermione looks amazed. _

Hermione: Very impressive, Ron! You know what a Mary-Sue is!

_Ron scowls._

Ron: I wish I didn't, though…but I think I've got all the lingo down, except for one. What on earth is quantum physics?

_Harry, Ginny, and Hermione look at each other._

Harry: Go ahead, Hermione. I'm not touching this one.

Hermione: Well, it's a way that some Muggles use to explain time travel. Complete rubbish, though. It's like asking someone to write a scientific equation that explains magic. It simply can't be done. Although some of the theories—

_Harry and Ginny decide to end this lecture before it's too late to stop their ingenious but long-winded friend._

Ginny: So, Ron, I assume your 'stomach virus' was just a ruse to stay home and read fanfiction . . .

Ron: I really did feel sick! Do, I mean.

Ginny: . . . but you look as if the Cannons had just lost . . . again. What's eating you up?

Ron: Harry's dead.

_Hermione rolls her eyes, but nevertheless pats his shoulder in condolence. _

Hermione: Oh, Ron.

Ginny: Just go read something else for a while. You'll feel better after something lighthearted.

Hermione: Besides, I've read that story you're on and it's got a decent ending.

Harry: I don't die?

Hermione: Well, technically you do, but then you go to 'heaven' and end up reincarnated as a Norse god.

_Harry looks very pleased with himself. Ginny whacks him._

Ginny: Hermione! Don't go filling his head with nonsense like that! He's already an egotistical git.

Harry: Hey!

Hermione: In the meantime, though, Ron, don't you have anything else you could read?

Ron: Well, I did start this one up, though it's about our kids. Harry's son becomes best friends with Draco Malfoy's son at Hogwarts and they solve mysteries and cause trouble just like we did when we were at school.

Harry: Wait . . . my son . . . and Draco Malfoy's kid? Never!

_Hermione laughs._

Hermione: Just wait until you hear about who Scorpius Malfoy was interested in . . . Rose Weasley!

Ron: Yeah, I wasn't too pleased about that part, but you gotta admit, reading about Albus was like a flashback of an eleven-year-old Harry, an eleven-year-old hothead with a passion for cursing Slytherins and a deep hatred of his Potions teacher.

_Harry hasn't been listening to the last bit._

Harry: Hang on there. Did you just refer to my future son as _Albus?_

_Ron and Hermione look at each other. They share a mutual smirk._

Hermione: Oh, yes, Harry, and you seem to have gotten a bit extravagant with your baby names . . .

Ron: Poor bloke never had a chance, seeing that his name was . . .

Together: _Albus Severus Potter!_

Ginny: Harry, you know I love you, and I respect the dead just as much as you do, but if you ever, _ever_ try to name a future son of mine _Albus Severus,_ this relationship is over.

_Harry tries to recover._

Harry: Come on, that Malfoy kid had it a hundred times worse. At least Albus can be shortened. There's no nickname for Scorpius!

_The others, however, refuse to allow Harry to get off that easily._

Harry: You lot know I would never name a child that.

_Ginny's eyes are narrowed suspiciously._

Hermione: Just for the record, Ron, if Harry ever names his kid Albus Severus, I'll let you get a driver's license.

_Ron gets a gleam in his eye._

Ron: And for the record, Hermione, if Harry ever names his kid Albus Severus, I'll read _Hogwarts, A History._

_Suddenly both look at Harry. Harry has the look of a hunted animal._

Harry: _*pleadingly*_ Ginny?

Ginny: Not going to help you here, my love. You've heard my conditions.

_Harry's shoulders fall. _

_Hermione looks him over almost apologetically, but she and Ron then have what seems to be an entire conversation in glances. At last Ginny sighs._

Ginny: We can argue this point another day. Ron, I _was _going to make a cake earlier, but I decided not to because you were sick . . .

_Ron appears to instantly forget about the prospect of a driver lice thingy. _

Ron: But I'm not sick! You can still make it, I don't mind.

_Ginny tries to look stern, but gives up. She seizes Harry's hand. _

Ginny: Come on, Harry. You can stand in the corner and _not _touch anything.

_They exit quickly, Harry looking relieved._

_Ron and Hermione sit on the sofa for a bit. _

Ron: Think we can get Harry to name his kid Albus?

Hermione: Given enough time and the taking into account the proper methods of persuasion . . .

_They look at each other._

Hermione: Absolutely.

Ron: Think Ginny will dump him?

Hermione: Not a chance. But Harry might have to do quite a lot to make it up to her.

_Hermione wiggles her eyebrows and grins at him. The "if you know what I mean" is blatant._

Ron: Oh, no, that's just cruel, Hermione, you know I don't want to think about that! She's my sister, for the love of Merlin . . .

_Hermione leans over to plant a kiss on his neck, then waits for his reaction._

Ron: Not a chance, not after you've just brought up my sister's sex life.

_He shudders. _

Hermione: That's too bad, because I read this one fanfiction last week that I thought was very interesting, about you and me getting locked in a broom closet. I was thinking that maybe you and I could . . .

_She leans over and whispers something _very_ interesting in Ron's ear. Ron takes a look around, then jumps to his feet and gestures toward the door._

Hermione: The cake?

Ron: Couldn't care less. Is your flat free?

_They grin at each other and scurry to the door._

Ron: Maybe fanfiction _can _be useful . . .

_fin._


End file.
